I know that everyone’s blended family situation is different. Some are easy(ish) while others are all but impossible! However, I’m sure that regardless of the situation, every stepmom has a few words (positive and negative) that they would like to share with their bio-counterparts. So I decided to make a list of truths I want my children’s biomom to know.
I don’t know how your biomom dynamic is, but my children’s biomom doesn’t like me very much. We are getting better at our interactions, but it’s still forced. When I first met my husband’s ex-wife, I honestly didn’t expect her to dislike me as much as she did. She had left my husband and was already with boyfriend number two so it didn’t occur to me that SHE would be the one to have a problem with ME.
Oh, how young and naive I was!
I was with my husband almost a whole year before she spoke to me directly!
I tried to not let her actions affect me, even if I didn’t see the root of the true issue at first. It was hard to not take her bitter dismissal of me to heart. It was even harder not to want to form my own bitter dismissal (can’t say that I was very successful with that either).
In spite of the fact that I was the one with my girls all day while my husband was at work, their mother would still text my husband (at work!) asking if she could call the girls. He would then have to text me, and I’d have them call her with my phone. This baffled me! I couldn’t understand how she was STILL refusing to use me as a form of contact.
Her refusing to contact me turned into her new excuse for why she wasn’t able to call the girls more often. Naturally, the only ones to suffer because of this were my girls. They started saying things like, “I don’t think mommy loves me anymore” and started throwing more emotional fits that seemed to have no connection to anything that was going on at the time. It broke my heart!
However, after much prayer (I needed a lot of patience and fortitude), I realized that the best thing for my children’s emotional protection was to find a way to better understand their mother. I put forth my best effort to place myself in her shoes and tried to see what she was seeing.
As I said before, I imagine she’s nervous and afraid. When people are afraid, they don’t always make the most logical decisions. Odds are she wasn’t calling as much because it was hard hearing about how the girls were doing in a home that wasn’t hers.
When my youngest said, “If you’re sick, you should come here and have mimmy take care of you. She takes really good care of people because she doesn’t like anyone to be sick” I’m sure she heard “mimmy takes better care of me than you do.” Instead, that sweet little girl was really saying, “Mommy, I miss you and want you to come here where I can see you and you can get better.”
When my middle child says she has nothing to say to her mother when she calls, she doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to talk to her. What she really wants is for her mother to reach out and tell her that she is special and loved.
And so, over time, I came up with a list of truths that I want my children’s biomom to know. Maybe someday I will be able to share them with her as well.
Truths I wish I could tell my children’s biomom
- I am not here to replace you. From the first moments that I began establishing a relationship with your children, I told them that I am not and will never be their mother. You are their mother, and I know you love them very much. I don’t want to be compared to you because I will never be you. In the same respect, you will never be me so that lack of comparison goes both ways. Your children love you because you are you, NOT someone else.
- Your children will always love you and will always want love from you in return. I could give them all the love in the world and they could feel eternally special. However, that will never replace their need for your acceptance and affection. Make sure they know that you care for them even more than they care for you.
- You gave birth to some incredible girls! I can’t take any credit for the demeanor that they had before I even met them. They have big giving hearts and they love without abandon. They don’t cling to the expectations the world has for them, in spite of being raised in a secular household. Their souls are pure and make them shine bright no matter whom they are with. These are traits they got while living with you.
- This is not about you, and it’s not about me. It’s about working together to raise these amazing young ladies. The Lord has a big plan for each other in their lives and that plan requires us to be on the same team for the sake of their success.
- Don’t allow the poor opinions of others to cloud your judgment. I know you have friends that tell you to disregard me. Not every person with an emotional opinion should be listened to. You can be accepting of me and be a great parent at the same time. Stubborn decisions cause your children to suffer more than it saves your pride.
- Regardless of how you might see the Creator of the Universe, He sees you and He loves you. Whether or not you and I ever become partners in parenting, it doesn’t change the fact that the Lord sees you as one of his special children.
He wants a relationship with you so that he can complete his plan for your own life. I hope that someday you will be willing to hear what He has to say to you.
Hopefully one day I will be able to say these things, as well as many more, to the mother of my children. Until then, I will continue to pray for guidance on how to best reach out to her in small positive ways.
What about you? Do you have a list of truths you’d like your children’s biomom to know?
As always, I you have any questions or comments, feel free to contact me! I would love to hear from you.
Thanks for all you do!