Do you ever feel like all you do is love love love and give give give yet it seems like everyone expects you to somehow do more? The stepmom life is HARD! I know there were things that I wish I knew walking into it that would have helped better prepare me for what I was getting myself into. That’s why I decided to write this post; to help other women be better prepared with these 5 things every stepmom needs to know.
Stepmoms struggle with so many uphill battles it’s a wonder that there isn’t a condition labeled “stepmom breakdown”. The hardest part is that, as a stepmom, people rarely see all the stuff that you DO and more pick out the stuff that you MISS. It’s TOUGH!
Sometimes the pressure of it all builds and builds and the result is poor behaviors and attitudes. Because, let’s be honest, most people don’t become perfect diamonds under pressure.
So, if you are in the midst of that pressure, here are 5 things every stepmom needs to know.
5 Things Every Stepmom Needs to Know
- Don’t approach everything like you’re going into battle. This was a BIG one for me! As a stepparent, it’s natural and good to have certain boundaries and walls put up to protect yourself.
Step-parents go every day loving children that at any moment can turn and say something that reminds you that you aren’t their first choice. You aren’t their “real mom”. It’s a stressor crouching in the back of just about every stepmoms mind.
However, this fear can result in walls being put up between you and your husband and non-bio children.
More walls means more distance. More distance means more hurdles to cross when you’re trying to make a connection. It can cause you to start approaching each situation geared up as if you’re walking into a battle.
When you’re mind is prepped with your fighting stance at the ready, you end up creating a more stressful scenario for yourself and your children.
I started seeing my children get guarded looks on their faces every time I would come around the corner because they weren’t sure what kind of mood I was in. At heart, I am a lover, not a fighter, and it broke my heart when I realized this.
It took a lot of humility for me to accept that I had become a total Grinch instead of the fun-loving “girlfriend” I had been before. I had run into so many hurtful situations that my heart was completely encased in stone.
Your children aren’t looking for a fight from you. They need a safe haven. And that starts with you dropping your fists, losing the chip on your shoulder, and meeting them where they are at.
- Your Children are not obstacles to get past. Happiness is not through them or around them, it’s WITH them. That includes happiness with your spouse.
After the first year or so of marriage and having our children full-time, it became hard for me to not be disappointed at the lack of quality time my husband and I got.
I started to see my children as a problem to get past in order to get to the quality couples time that I craved on the other side.
When you start seeing your children as a hurdle to hop, it makes the everyday joys harder to enjoy. In turn, this makes any quality time you get with your spouse all but impossible to enjoy due to the surly mood you put yourself in.
So embrace your children and the struggles that come with them. I find it easier to get and enjoy quality time with them and with my husband when I’m not so focused on seeing my children as obstacles.
- Being more involved does not mean that you’re BETTER. You may be the person that packs their lunches and gets them off to school every morning. Or the one that taught them how to ride a bike or sew. You might even be the person they look for when they need advice. However, every stepmom needs to know that this does not in any way make you BETTER than their biomom or their dad.
You see, your children don’t look at how many times you were there for them instead of their bio-mom and magically think that you’re better. I know of a lot of stepmoms out there that are by far better “mothers” than their bio counterparts.
However, comparing yourself to her will always turn out like comparing apples to oranges. It won’t add up.
Your children are looking for stability and unconditional love (no matter how accepting they are of the new, post-divorce setup). Focus on what your children NEED and you will be the best YOU can be for them.
- Let your partner be the PRIMARY PARENT. For your sake as much as theirs. This is especially true for those step-moms that find themselves in a primary custody position.
Your children are not there because of you and they are not there for you. They are there for and because of your husband. No matter how many skinned knees you clean or appointments you take them to, you are still not the primary parent.
Now, I don’t mean to say this in a put-down sort of way. This doesn’t make your efforts less worth it or your bond with your children less important.
However, allowing and encouraging your spouse to maintain the primary parent status takes A LOT of pressure off of you.
You don’t need to worry about making the hard judgment calls and deal with any fallout. It allows you to become a supporting role for both your spouse and your children.
- Sometimes, the only way to WIN at step-parenting is to take a step back and be the copilot. As I mentioned earlier, not placing yourself in a primary parenting position can be hard, but it can come with a lot of rewards.
Now, I’m not talking about taking on a “friend” role instead of a parent role. I’m referring to stepping back and allowing your stepchildren to come to you. Especially when your children begin to enter those older-aged phases, you’re disciplined and rules may not be well received.
Instead of getting competitive and pushing back, talk with your spouse about setting up a plan for you to take on more of a copilot role.
By you not being the one to deal with the big issues, you are removing yourself as a potentially easy target for your children to take jabs at.
You are also opening yourself up to be the comforter. Every stepmom needs to know that this is the BEST position to be in.
Taking a step back is not saying you’re giving up, it is saying that your relationship with your child is more important than being the one to call the shots. In the end, it just might be the one thing that saves your parent-child relationship. - Wherever you go, there you are. There’s a book by Jon Kabat-Zinn called Wherever You Go, There You Are. In this book, he talks about mindfulness and how to have a mind that is fresh and happy.
Whether your a believer in meditation or prayer, the concept still applies.
You bring your mindset with you wherever you go. You live with you more than anyone else.
If you aren’t placing yourself in a mindset that is producing positive thoughts and feelings, you will never be happy, no matter where you are, who you’re with, or what you do.
Bringing this all back to step-parenting, you need to make sure you are using mindfulness to initiate a happy environment for yourself so that the little things of life don’t set you off at the drop of a hat.
If you’re already in a positive frame of mind, it is easier to look at things objectively as they come rather than emotionally.
Negativity pollutes the mind making it harder to be happy.
Positivity breeds more positivity which breeds success. Having a positive mindset can also boost your immune system which is a wonderful bonus!!
The most important thing for stepmoms to know is YOU CAN DO THIS!! One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, and with a little hope, prayer, and lots of love, you can be the perfect stepmom for your children.
Are there any big lightbulb moments that you came across as a stepmom? What do you think every stepmom needs to know? Feel free to leave a comment below! I’d love to hear about your story.
As always, thanks for all you do!
Stay strong and keep up the good work.